It’s been awhile since I posted. For those who don’t know, this semester has not been very kind to me, and it’s been everything I can do just to keep up. But in an effort to get myself back on track, I’m putting myself out there and trying to come clean. I don’t expect this to be a happy post, but hopefully it will be a cathartic one, or at least start me down that path.

One of the things I have been learning about this semester includes a rubric for working with a group. Specifically, part of the process is a “retrospective” in which you and your team answer three questions:

  • What are we doing that we should stop doing?
  • What are we doing that we should continue doing?
  • What are we not doing that we should start doing?

Since that format seems to work for what I want to do, here goes.

What am I doing that I should stop doing?

Worrying about what has already happened.
The past couple weeks have been pretty low times for me. Unfortunately, I missed more class than I should have. But at this point, I can’t go back and attend the classes, so I need to stop fretting over what’s done and look to what I can do about it now.
Self-pity
Simply put, having my own little pity parties doesn’t do me (or anyone around me) any good. I don’t expect to ever break this habit entirely, just because I know myself and have never been the most confident person, but I need to work on it.
Shutting people out
Most notably Becca, my fianceé, but also my closest friends and family. They are there for me when I need them most, and I need to realize that.

What am I doing that I should continue doing?

Keep pressing the Engineering Dept. regarding my misconduct appeal.
If you aren’t in the loop, here is the short version of the story: someone cheated off my test in one of my classes. Now I am being accused of academic misconduct and have to prove that I was not a willing (or even aware) participant. I hope the people in the Engineering Department are getting tired of me, because I have been pestering them regularly trying to move the process along. I am tired of waiting at their pace.
Therapy
I started seeing a therapist recently, and it could be a good thing for me to have someone like that to talk to on a regular basis.
Cry
As hard as can be to let go sometimes, a good cry really can make a difference. (And I’m not afraid to admit that I do it.)

What am I not doing that I should (re)start doing?

Study
I have never been good at studying. But it’s time for me to start setting aside time every day to read or work on homework. It won’t be fun, it won’t be easy, and I will come up with every reason not to do it, but it’s necessary if I want to make it through this semester (and the rest of my time in school) with halfway decent grades.
Be spontaneous
I’m not going to lie; the stress of the past few months has put a huge strain on my relationship with Becca. She has been infinitely patient with me, and she deserves to have some of “the old me” back.
Manage my time
It should be obvious by the fact that I am writing this after 2:00am, but I haven’t been the best keeper of my time lately. I need to focus more on tasks at hand and less on distractions if I am going to be successful with all of this.
Write more
I miss writing, even though I’m not the greatest at it. I plan to try the NaBloPoMo challenge, but Becca, school, and work take priority. I like my blog and want to post, but I have to be realistic in the goals I set for myself.
Run
Along with writing, this is something I have done very little of this semester, and it shows. I have gained back much of the weight I lost earlier this year, and my runs, when I go out, are slower than I was (and I was never fast, believe me). I doubt I will be able to run 3-4 days per week as long as I have 4 classes and work, but getting in at least 1-2 runs should be an attainable goal.

I know these lists aren’t complete, but they are a start. I don’t plan to add to the lists (other than in my head), but I wanted to get things out of my head as a start. Isn’t admitting you have a problem one of those “steps” somewhere?

This is not going to be easy for me, and I know it hasn’t been easy on my friends. To all of you who have lent me your ears for me to vent/talk to or your shoulders to cry on, I thank you. I know that I couldn’t have gotten as far as I can (in anything) without the help of the people around me. I hope you will continue to help me as I try to turn things around over the next few weeks and months.

And now, it’s time to go to bed.